It is ever so frequent that we hear this question posed by both women and men. That there are no more good men out there. Or all the “good men” are taken.
I would say to a certain extent this is true. Chivalry has almost died, commitment is so scarce, and loyalty is hard to find. These days such qualities are only heard of in stories and spoken about with such abstract meanings.
Our whole moral and social infrastructure has changed so much, leaving such damaging effects that have led to this scarcity of nobility. I would like to pinpoint only two major factors that have assisted in the akhlaqi divergence away from our human and religious principles:
- The extremely easy access to explicit content and pornography.
- Unrestricted and unmonitored usage of social media.
Even with regulated ratings we still see very graphic sexual content in mainstream tv shows, movies and music clips. With wi-fi everywhere, and everyone young and old having smart phones, pornography of any kind can be accessed and in the absolute privacy of the viewer.
According to statistics this has dramatically changed the approach men have towards women. This has led to many issues affecting relationships, which in itself needs an article on its own.
The second point of social media, with all the good it has brought, is the breaking of private barriers between genders and sharing of personal information without parents consent or knowledge.
We are told about men, single or married, who turn into players and love the adrenaline of chatting up multiple girls at once.
We hear about creepy men who go through profiles, shooting their luck at offering Mut’ah, or grooming towards it.
We know about women who fall victim to the manipulation of fake conniving men.
How can a relationship be successful if the groundwork for it all is far from healthy or positive.
In brief, not only do we not see or hear of these museum words of Muruwwah and Futuwwah anymore, we don’t know what they mean.
So, the question still stands to be answered. Are there any more good men left? How can a woman be convinced to get married if she has no assurance that the person she wants to invest her life in won’t commit to the relationship?
This really is a dilemma in our communities and we are collectively responsible for finding ways to solve it.
It’s always easy to blame things on others: the other gender, the parent, the other person. However, if we were to take the Islamic approach we would be fixed solely on worrying about ourselves and how we can be the “better person”. The holy Quran says:
﴿يا أَيُّهَا الَّذينَ آمَنوا عَلَيكُم أَنفُسَكُم﴾
O you who have faith! Take care of your own souls. [Surah al-Ma`idah, 105]
So this isn’t about blaming one gender over the other. It isn’t about not seeing the wrong in others. It’s about you the man can meet the normal requirements of manliness and leaving the rest to whatever circumstances that may arise.
Maybe this statement of there being “no more good men” has turned into a mental cliché that has blocked some women from even trying to accommodate to accepting a man for who he is.
Women have socially evolved, with different standards, greater expectations and more demands.
With all the bad out there, good men still do exist. We just need to sift through with more caution and turn back to our traditional ways.
One traditional way is for men not to allow themselves to freely communicate with single women.
Muslim men must never see that they can take it upon themselves to talk to women on their own for marriage and override the authority of parents and elders.
Something else that we need to bring back to life is to remember that the woman you want talk to or marry has a family. You wouldn’t accept it for your sister or daughter, so why accept it for someone else’s sister or daughter.
As much as our dear brothers put effort in their strenuous work and studies, so should they put effort in obtaining high moral standards, self-discipline and spiritually excelling.
Women also need to be more optimistic and be concerned about what they are contributing to the relationship and how much they have emulated the precepts of religion and moral qualities.
People go through bad experiences, and grow trust issues, but there are ways to navigate around this and still be successful in a relationship.
Our brothers need to learn life skills, be more mature, more tolerant, more patient, more genuine and more committed to family values.
Of course, I know that men would argue that women today don’t want good guys anymore, and there are counter arguments they can bring up in their defence.
With the changes happening in our fast-paced society we are still able to salvage what we can from our traditions and values. We still need to have faith in ourselves and others.
It’s not just an issue of opening the door for her or sweeping her off her feet with romanticism.
It’s about revisiting our customs, adhering to our religious principles and becoming the best of who we are.
Let’s have integrity, dignity and honour. Let’s focus more on ourselves as less on others. If it’s hard to find good in others, bring the good out in yourself.
Most importantly, let’s prove that there still are good men out there and chivalry has not died.
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